People were walking their dogs or pushing children in strollers or walking next to children riding little bikes and wearing helmets designed to look like monsters or dinosaurs. On Monday I simply didn’t have the energy or heart to do the scooter unload thing to go for a ride along the lake foreshore because I knew John would have to do it again an hour later to get into the doctors rooms, I knew he really didn’t want to be driving to Ballarat on that day either.
Watching others living their lives, doing all the things I used to do still induces terrible grief at times, I thought I would be over the grief thing by now in my eleventh year of crps and using crutches and wheelchairs. I thought I would not keep feeling so bad when I watch others leading normal lives but at times I feel like life is passing me by. Sometimes outings unhinge me for a while and I lose track of what is important in my life.
So the grieving never stops, grief is just part of who I am now but I thought I would be better at not dwelling on it too much, at not feeling so envious of other people’s mobility and independence but I’m not doing very well in this area. Grief fluctuates and sometimes I feel it more intensely and other times it takes a back seat.
In order to move forward into a more positive mindset the advice in the following quote always helps as it relates beautifully to my CRPS and the resulting disability:
“My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn't prevent you doing well, and don't regret the things it interferes with. Don't be disabled in spirit as well as physically” Stephen Hawking
So I will busy myself with some experimental artwork, have some fun in my studio, watch something funny on Netflix in the evening, lighten my mood and get my mind into another zone while I remind myself that every day is a gift regardless of all the hell rides CRPS throws at me.